Casstrology - Free Horoscopes of Doom

For the Week of December 1- December 7

2005-12-01T03:42:00.000-05:00

Because although Sunday rhymes with Fun-day, Thursday rhymes with Murz-day.

Hello faithful readers. Madame Cassandra is back from her brief but well deserved hiatus. The Sylvia Browne books are stacked neatly on the shelves, the Tarot cards are nestled safely in their black, velveteen caccoon. This week Madame Cassandra has found trying to interpret the night skies to be a confusing, complex undertaking marred by somewhat creamy influences. Perhaps it is the infinitely expanding energy of the universe that is producing this effect...perhaps it is simply the ranch dressing smeared across the end of the telescope. Whatever the case, Madame Cassandra has found chaos infiltrating every aspect of the horoscopes this week.

Aries (March 21- April 20): Alert, Aries, Alert! The cosmological omens have forewarned Madame Cassandra that danger lurks at every corner for you rams this week! Beware of offers that seem too good to be true, business proposals from unfamiliar parties and getting the ol' "first time's free" ruse from hookers. A bit of advice for you? If you're not already a Glock-wielding member of the National Rifle Association start carrying a weapon. You can never be too sure when that innocent sounding noise in your basement turns out to be a gobbledygook-speaking terrorist with a bucket of anthrax or when that supposedly "harmless" girlscout selling cookies at your door turns out to be a dirty, rotten, Commie spy.
Lucky Day: Wednesday
Lucky German Word: das Schlüsselbein- the clavicle

Taurus (April 21- May 21): With all the crime, poverty, destruction, pollution, hatred and war in the world many wonder why the world's privaledged cannot agree to give a little more to the greater good and improve conditions for the whole of society, thus pushing humanity itself toward a more evolved, loving state. Well one thing's for certain, those "many" certainly aren't Taureans and Madame Cassandra suspects they're probably a bunch of freeloading, pot-smoking hippies. Your job this week, Taurus? Remember that you're right now, you always were right and you'll always be right. Just because all the dippy-do, love-spouting morons of the world keep harping on you about "being a good person" or "having morals," don't let it stop you from sitting back and doing what you do best: being right.
Lucky Day: Monday
Lucky German Word: herumhüpfen- to scamper

Gemini (May 22- June 22): It is time for something new, Gemini. This stagnant routine of work, booze, sex, lying, work, anal sex, booze, booze, lying, and booze has got you wanting to hit the snooze. Not to mention has left you with a lingering stench of ballsweat. Madame Cassandra advises you to break out of the box (or in your case, probably furry handcuffs) that has held you back for so long already. Some suggestions? Try putting baking powder in glass vials and selling it to teenagers as coke. Or paint your naked body with a crude rendition of Picasso's "Guernica" and stage an elaborate one-man show in front of an art museum. Whatever you do this week, Gemini, make sure it's wild. Otherwise it will be the same routine of drinking yourself into a stupor and waking up in the sweaty arms of a stranger.
Lucky Day: Friday
Lucky German Word: ausschließlich- exclusively

Cancer (June 23- July 23): Oh sweet, sweet Cancerians. This week the fates have informed Madame Cassandra that you should all be recieving something new in the romance department. Finally after years of wasting away in front of Lifetime, watching movies with Tracy Gold and that guy who played Chachi in "Joanie Loves Chachi" you're finally going to experience some exhiliration, passion and lust for yourself. Now before you go buying yourself the latest issue of "Modern Bride" and waxing intellectual about the benefits of a June wedding versus an August one remember that not every person in the world is chomping at the bit to settle down. You may have to try getting to know this person before you start picking out china patterns and paring down your list of potential flower girls.
Lucky Day: Sunday
Lucky German Word: erdrosseln- to strangle

Leo (July 24- August 23): This week your tendancy to be a loud, obnoxious, insufferable know-it-all with a penchant for bullying and inspiring terror will finally have a productive purpose. Someone you love has been keeping a secret from you. Knowing you Lions the secret probably involves someone other than yourself which is why you've never caught on to it before. This week Madame Cassandra encourages you to start bullying the shit out of all of your loved ones to get to the bottom of this. Emotional manipulation, physical torture, painstaking hours of interrogation...whatever it takes to find out the truth. Disregard the fact that you don't know which one of your loved ones it is or what the secret is about. Just keep tearing into them and eventually one of those bastards will fess up to something.
Lucky Day: Tuesday
Lucky German Word: die Zweibel- the onion

Virgo (August 24- September 23): Considering Saturn's position in the night skies, Madame Cassandra predicts you will have issues with a coworker this week. Perhaps it's the fact that this person cannot maintain such an anal-retentive attention to minor, insignificant details like yourself. Or perhaps it's the fact that they recieve personal phone calls at work from friends and family that you don't have. Whatever the case may be it's up to you this week to put those nitwits in their place. For christ's sake this is work, not some Carribean cruise or exciting African safari. Remember that not one of your coworkers should be having fun on the job and if a single one of them is it's your job as an honest, committed, hardworking American to run to your boss and tattle, tattle, tattle.
Lucky Day: Friday
Lucky German Word: bange- funky

Libra (September 24- October 23): Ever heard that saying "the heart is a lonely hunter"? Madame Cassandra doubts this considering it would mean taking time from your busy schedule of scamming your way through life and running your mouth incessantly. Madame Cassandra further doubts that even if you have heard this saying you understand what it means. Well, luckily for you, it's not going to matter this week at all. The skies are telling Madame Cassandra that if there is one thing your heart won't be this week it's lonely. Expect a barrage of calls, emails, faxes, telegrams and custom-engraved gold jewelry from old friends and lovers this week. Bask in it while it lasts because Madame Cassandra expects that there's probably a good reason why you haven't seen them in a while and once they remember that reason they'll head right back out the door.
Lucky Day: Saturday
Lucky German Word: der Schmetterling- the butterfly

Scorpio (October 24- November 22): This week the skies are urging all you scorpions out there to quit brooding. Madame Cassandra realizes this is going to be difficult considering it means you're going to have to get out your compiled list of everyone who has ever wronged you and go through it line by painstaking line in order to figure out which menial sleight has turned you into such a sad, moody sonofabitch. Fear not, Madame Cassandra expects this exercise in forgiveness will not only turn out not only to be a lethargic release but may in fact reduce your already high chances of dying from an aneurysm within the next six months. Guess that means you can cross that high-falootin' doctor with his stupid "second opinion" off your list too.
Lucky Day: Thursday
Lucky German Word: das Flugzeug- the airplane

Saggitarius (November 23- December) : This week all the perfectly cordial, polite, kind, sweet Archers out there will enjoy a week of bliss and relaxation. While that will be great for that one guy, the rest of you loud-mouthed, crass, tactless Saggs will have to deal with the consequences of your actions this week. So you made a slightly off-color remark about your best friend's mothers weight? So you made a mildly racist joke at an NAACP fundraising event? What's the big deal, right? Well, according to the celestial omens, Madame Cassandra predicts that someone will be offended with your neverending barrage of tactless humor and foot-in-your-mouth conversation style. Get used to getting slapped, getting water thrown in your face and getting in trouble with your superiors. Don't worry, after this week everyone's going to go back to not paying any attention to you at all, leaving you free to indulge in all the excesses rudeness can offer.
Lucky Day: Monday
Lucky German Word: leichtsinnig- flippant

Capricorn (December 23- January 19): This week Madame Cassandra predicts you will be tempted to spend some of that money you keep grasped so tightly in your cold, clammy palms. From every lighted display window in every suburban shopping mall, objects will virtually be calling out at you to buy them. Madame Cassandra says go ahead and spend, goat. And if you do, make sure you spend money on yourself. Disregard the temptation (albeit a slight one) to do something nice for someone other than yourself and buy them a gift. Gifts are what charities are for. So go ahead and pick out the shiniest, most expensive, most superfluous excesses that capitalism has to offer and buy them! That way you'll have something to keep you company when you're alone in your house with nobody to love you.
Lucky Day: Saturday
Lucky German Word: wirbeln- to gyrate

Aquarius (January 20- February 19): Madame Cassandra predicts that this week the people closest to you will smother you with their meaningless problems and tireless tirades. So what if your lover's best friend just slipped into a drug-induced coma? So what if your sister just lost her job and is now being threatened with eviction by a psychotic slumlord? So what if your boss just got diagnosed with cancer and is unable to hear your presentation until after the first round of chemo? Don't these people realize you have better things to do than listen to their whining and bitching? Apparently not, considering they all just seem to keep latching onto you, trying to suck the life out of your exquisitely formed body. Try to take them with a grain of salt, dear Water Bearers and just remember that no matter what you're always number one.
Lucky Day: Tuesday
Lucky German Word: der Einfaltspinsel- the nincompoop

Pisces (February 20- March 20): Ah, Madame Cassandra has saved you for last, not because you're technically the last sign of the zodiac and it's proper to put Pisces at the end of the roster, but rather because this week your horoscope is the best. Hooray! Finally something good for the sign that spends twice as much time as any other getting shit on by the world. This week the darkened skies have informed Madame Cassandra that you will be recieving a surprise gift this week. More likely than not it won't be those Percocets you've been dying to try. No, no, Madame Cassandra predicts this gift will be something profoundly inspirational and good for your sad, depressed soul. Whatever you do, try not to freebase it or snort it up your nose. Madame Cassandra makes no guarantees but doubts that either of this things will produce a desirable effect.
Lucky Day: Friday
Lucky German Word: die Aufklärung- the enlightenment

Well that's all for now kittens. Madame Cassandra wishes you a good karmic week and a pleasent, tingling sensation in your mouth.

attn: readers

2005-11-28T01:59:00.000-05:00

It has come to Madame Cassandra's attention that she has not read your astrological omens for the week.

The time-space continum is a complicated web to untangle, children, especially around Thanksgiving.

Horoscopes will be returning this week. Fear not, gentle readers.

For the Week of November 17 - November 23

2005-11-16T19:46:00.000-05:00

Because why live Sunday to Sunday when you could live Thursday to Thursday?

As Madame Cassandra was interpreting the sodden tea leaves from the bottom of her cup of Earl Grey this evening she was struck with the sudden urge to lash out violently. Perhaps it was the off-brand tea or perhaps it was the fact that the leaves were arranged in such a manner that even a layman would've surmised them to be in the shape of an artillery shell surrounded by crude, hand-crafted prison shanks. Whatever the case, a shroud of destruction lies over the horoscopes this week. It is most unfortunate, however, Madame Cassandra takes no responsibility for where the fates lead her.

Aries (March 21- April 20): Ah delicious, delicious Aries. The Ram. An animal known for its ability to bash things with its skull. This week "society" will try and hold you back from your insatiable need to drive everyone/anyone away from you with an incurably voilatile temper and constant, droning bragging. But, luckily for you, this week the universe is telling you, "fuck society!" So go ahead, Aries, rip into your friends and family; most of them are a stupid, boring waste of your time anyway. Go on- you've earned it.
Lucky Numbers: 6, 6, 6
Lucky Hat Style: Tophat

Taurus (April 21- May 21): Have all you Taureans been feeling the constant pressure of a busy, active, invigorating social life lately? Doubtful, considering you spend most of your time on the couch eating potato chips and ruminating on all the ways society has wronged you. This week the stars are encouraging all of you Bulls to quit your bitching and reconnect with a distant family member. Remember? family? those people who continually screw you out of money and burden you their warm, fuzzy "feelings"? Ah, fuck it- stay on the couch.
Lucky Numbers: 1 - the lonliest number
Lucky Hat Style: Scalycap

Gemini (May 22- June 22): That split-personality nature of yours is going to be doubly beneficial to your love life this week, Gemini. The astrological omens are telling me that your seductiveness (some would call it blatant trampiness or psychotic, disease-ridden, compulsive whoriness) will attract not one but two people to your chaffed breast this week. Maybe they'll be twins! Maybe they'll want to have a threesome with you! One way or another this week it will be important for you to keep shamelessly coming on to strangers and to make sure that supply of K-Y Warming Gel is well-stocked. Something tells me that won't be a problem.
Lucky Numbers: 6, 9 - because together they make 69, a sexual reference
Lucky Hat Style: Jimmy hat

Cancer (June 23- July 23): Oh Cancer, Cancer, Cancer. My favorite of all the Zodiac. Unfortunately my tendency to overtly favor this the most wickedly awesome of signs (the sign that I myself occupy) will not help you this week. Sadly for all you crabs out there the darkened night skies are telling Madame Cassandra that if you're not already a fat lard weeping over Christian Children's Fund commercials you will be this week. The sight of even the most abstractly depressing things will reduce you to a pitiable, crying lump. Take care to avoid country music videos, the movie Terms of Endearment and Fox News.
Lucky Numbers: 13 - considered universally unlucky
Lucky Hat Style: Jamacian tam

Leo (July 24- August 23): In the week to come your reputation as king of the proverbial societal jungle will be tested. You will be presented with a decision that could possibly benefit a gross number of people less fortunate than yourself. Your job, Lion? To stomp, stomp, stomp those poor, weak bastards into the ground with your formidible paw! The less fortunate are less fortunate for a reason; God obviously doesn't like them as much as he likes you. Besides, since when have you been concerned with anyone other than yourself?
Lucky Numbers: 1, 10, 100, 1000 and other geometrically increasing sequences
Lucky Hat Style: Beanie

Virgo (August 24 - September 23): How unfortunate that all you exciting, liberated, frivolous Virgos get shafted with that most chaste and repressed of symbols: the virgin! Well this week that label is going to haunt you. The stars have warned Madame Cassandra that this week your already prevalent tendency toward rigid, unfeeling utilitarianism will be heightened tenfold. Madame Cassandra hopes that you have a menial factory job which consumes most of your time and energy so that this drive can be relegated to some productive realm. Otherwise, you're just going to be a black hole of fun for the few people who still hang out with you.
Lucky Numbers: 4, 9 , 16 -and other numbers that are square
Lucky Hat Style: Bonnet

Libra (September 24 - October 23): This week you're going to be surrounded by an aura of prestige and effortless confidence. Every move you make, every utterance from your lips will be greeted warmly by strangers, friends and family. What does this mean for you? It means that for some reason the universe is now looking favorably upon all that hot air your sign is notorious for spewing forth. So lie up a storm dear Librans- for complex and diverse astrological reasons everyone around you will buy into all of your ridiculous bullshit! Enjoy it while it lasts- pretty soon the world will remember that you're nothing but a filthy, dirty liar.
Lucky Numbers: 3, 7 , 9 -anything used in witchcraft
Lucky Hat Style: Baseball Cap

Scorpio (October 24 - November 22): Those deep, dark waters that are the Scorpio psyche will be overgrown with algae blooms this week. Regrettably for all the stewing Scorpions out there your minds will be cluttered with more slimy, green negativity laden with hopelessness and despair. Luckily for you, you already hate yourself so a few more psychotic obsessions won't do any lasting harm. Do yourself a favor and repress those emotions by burying them deep, deep, down without dealing with them first. Don't worry- by the time they resurface you'll have contented yourself with some other trivial problem that you've blown wildly out of proportion.
Lucky Numbers: 0, nothing, nada
Lucky Hat Style: Fez

Saggitarius (November 23- December 22): The alignment of the celestial influences tells me that all over the world this week Archer's will find themselves unable to concentrate on anything. Muffin. It's as though the universe has imposed upon you some special form of ADD. Zebra. A form that makes concentration, already an arduous task for the ever-spastic Sags, impossible this week. Filofax. What to do? Smoking Jacket. Keep that notorious mouth of yours shut. Noodle. Everything you say is going to sound retarded anyway and odds are you'll forget the point as soon as you...um...what?
Lucky Numbers: 1, 2, 3 - keep it simple
Lucky Hat Style: Viking Helmet

Capricorn (Decemer 23 - January 19): Capricorn, known for their ability to cast a steely, unfeeling gaze on even those the most decrepit of orphans, will succumb to the pressure to ::gasps:: feel feelings this week. The universe is telling you to go with this- that you are in dire need of an emotional release after a lifetime of subverting those emotions in favor of cold, dead rationality. It is saying that you deserve a break from the burden of repeated self-repression in order to keep your blood pressure in the mildly-to-moderately dangerous category. Madame Cassandra is telling you to quit being such a fucking pussy. There's no sight more pathetic than a sad, weepy goat and that's the goddamn truth.
Lucky Numbers: 4, 10
Lucky Hat Style: Ski-cap

Aquarius (January 20 - February 19): Ever heard that saying "the time's they are a changin'"? Probably not, considering that would mean tearing yourself away from a busy schedule of hedonism and admiring yourself in the mirror. At any rate, this sentence is apt for your current situation. Something very near and dear to you is in a state of transition. Whether this shift in position turns out positively or negatively is unknown because, as usual, you're incapable of devoting significant attention to anything other than yourself and will be completely oblivious to the change until you're utterly blindsided by it. Don't worry too much though; you complain constantly anyway, so what's one more piece of shit on the shit-heap?
Lucky Numbers: 21 black
Lucky Hat Style: Beret

Pisces (February 20 - March 20): Ah the fish...constantly swimming against one another, unable to make heads or tails of anything. The fates are telling Madame Cassandra that this week you're getting a break from your usual routine of sleeping, crying, eating sweets, whining and desperately seeking a way out of the hell of your life. An exciting presence will be thrust into your life this week. Try not to be jealous of whatever it is they bring with them that you don't have (joy, perhaps?) and learn all you can from them before they realize you're a pathetic example of humanity and move on to someone more interesting.
Lucky Numbers: You wouldn't believe me anyway
Lucky Hat Style: Fedora

That's all for this week. Madame Cassandra wishes you a good karmic week and a pleasent, tingly sensation in your mouth.